So I’ve been listening to a wide variety of music lately, but while I was on my neo-soul wave “Doo-Wop (That Thing)” by Ms. Lauryn Hill came on and when she says “Don’t be a hard rock when you really are a gem, baby girl respect is just a minimum” it really got me thinking about how I am and how my recent break-up effected me.
At first I was reluctant to write about my break-up because I’ve always been a private person and I still am to an extent because I don’t like a lot of people in my business so I’ve lived by “you only know what I allow you to know.” But there is a difference between privacy and secrecy. Being private is a choice to not reveal intimate details about an experience. They can be traits, truths, beliefs and ideas about ourselves that we keep to ourselves. They can be our fantasies and daydreams, feelings about the way the world works and spiral beliefs. Privacy matters when revealed, either accidentally or purposefully, give another person some insight into the revealer.
Being secretive is the act of keeping things hidden, it goes beyond merely private to hidden. Secrecy stems from deliberately keeping information from someone out of fear. Secrets normally consist of information that has a potentially negative impact on someone else emotionally, physically or financially. The person keeping the secret believes that if they are revealed either accidentally or purposefully they may cause harm to those around them. the difference is that secrets contain an element of shame that privacy does not. To me we keep something secret out of fear and shame of what others will think if they knew
Now that I’ve explained the difference, I am not secretive. I have nothing to hide, IF (“if” being the key word) you ask me I will tell you everything you’d like to know plus give you all the details you may not have wanted to hear (I’m working on that brain to mouth filter). I’m just not the type to volunteer the information. But I’ve learned that the more transparent I get, the bigger sense of freedom, peace and acceptance I feel. So here goes.
No break-up ever goes how you’d like it to and when they turn sour I know as a woman we can become mean and spiteful. My boyfriend at the time, Jarrick ( I will call him Josh because when we met, that’s what he introduced me as) and I had some issues in the past but through communication and actions I was sure this was the last we had seen of them. I thought we were great until after the huge snow storm that covered a good potion of the east coast hit and the random arguments started and I knew something was up, I just didn’t know what. The argument was about me not being open enough for him…(I don’t believe in coincidences) So on his birthday (January 28th) he finally decided to let me know that he could no longer handle me and wanted to break-up. (I know i can be a handful but thats what you have 2 hands for right?) It was at that moment that I could tell this break-up was premeditated but again I didn’t know where it was coming from. In the same sentence as “I want to break up” came “I’m going to give you a month to move out because I think that’s fair (because I had been living with him) and I’m also going to start back talking to my ex, I’ve already contacted her” (I didn’t like her because she disrespected our relationship, hence why I asked him to stop talking to her). To say that I was completely caught off guard by what he said was an understatement. So normally I’m the type to internalize my feelings, but this was just not the time for that, so of course I expressed my anger, hurt and sadness letting him know that he made a joint decision about this relationship by himself. I cried and eventually a sense of calm came over me, but I had the hardest time accepting this reality because I could’ve sworn it was all good just a week ago! I didn’t want to accept it, hell I couldn’t even tell anybody, and of course he had informed most of his friends within the hour. But we calmly talked it out and a couple of days later we decided to work it out. So a few more days pass and Josh tells me “we are not together” so of course I look at him like he’s crazy because..I could’ve sworn nothing and had happened between us deciding to work it out and now. Come to find out this was a way of him testing me to see if our friendship was strong enough (first off I think friendships are strengthened within relationships and I know not too many people like to be tested, or even find out that their partner, or friend for that matter is testing them when you could just come out and ask) Also during this time I began to notice a change in the way Josh spoke to me and his actions towards me. It’s safe to assume that the more time he spent talking to his ex and other friends the meaner he got, speaking to me like I was always interrupting him/below him and in a very cruel tone.
February 11th changed my life. My love/ obsession/favorite artist KID CUDI (Scott Mescudi) finally came to DC to perform at Echostage. I really feel like I love this man (but thats another post for another day). I had waited yearsss I mean yearsss for this moment and NOTHING or NOBODY was going to ruin my night. And nothing did, despite Josh getting another woman’s number right in front of my face and then introducing me to her to me as his friend. So about 2 weeks after we broke up he had already been seeing his ex but now he had started spending the night at his exes place leaving me at his place alone for days…(If I was as petty as some of my friends…well never mind) He then openly admitted that there was a good chance that him and her would get back together and that when I had requested to clear up my distaste for his ex (who couldn’t seem to stay in her lane) he said that he had purposely kept us from talking in fear of what she would reveal to me…that sounds secretive to me…hidden is the opposite of open (now if someone you were just in a relationship with can openly say that after 2 weeks, dude, you can’t tell me this wasn’t premeditated, he had been thinking about her and the breakup for months and wasn’t honest about how “open” he claimed to be) As the days in the house ran out he never even offered or helped me to move out, like he had done when I moved in.
Now of course I confided in God, my close girl friends, close guy friends, my parents and my brother and told them both sides of the story, making sure I didn’t leave out my faults as well, because things just were just not adding up but eventually they helped me to see the reality of the whole situation. Some of them felt bad for me, some of them were upset and wanted me to retaliate (my petty friends) and others helped me to see the bigger picture of who he was and who I am. (you know when you get out of a relationship and your blinders are snatched off and you really see that persons true colors well Josh showed me his, and once I saw them all I could do was laugh because I knew he was really trying to hurt me. (I have this awesome way of finding humor in everything)
See, despite my flaws I consider myself a Gem (gemstone) not a hard rock (pebble). A gem is something that is absolutely great and amazing, chosen for its beauty and durability, a precious stone especially when cut and polished or engraved. In other words I let my genuine nature speak for itself and don’t try to alter my personal style because I think it will make other people respect me more. I’m just me!
I’m a sweetheart, a nice person caring and loving, always have and always will be. But to say I haven’t thought about different petty/spiteful/crazy female things to do to him would be a damn lie! That is all they stay as, thoughts, because I could never execute them. Honestly I’m lazy in that sense because being spiteful takes up way too much of my energy. Even though I like to plan things out it was never a concept I could get with, because I can’t stay mad long enough to continue through with an act of making someone else hurt as much as they hurt me. I let karma and time take care of my revenge (all summer sixteen) As I mention previously I have petty friends (i don’t judge them) and personally know women who have messed with a mans car, ruined his clothes, TV, video games and shoes, defaced his apartment, taken chargers, batteries,toilet paper, foil, you name it! I even know a few women who got pregnant and kept the child to spite the man. I think something like that is just stupid and fucked up because she is clearly acting off PURE emotion and not thinking clearly at ALL. Like how do you even hold a grudge with someone for 9 months? And then bring an innocent child in this world to a messed up situation? It’s just not in my character and I’m not gonna pretend to be something I’m not. No shade is being thrown I just believe that hard rocks or pebbles are hard on the wrong things, not perceiving where the value actually resides.
So how you gon win if you aint right within?…….Come again